April 4, 2002
A cancer creeps insidiously here
Within our midst and masquerades about
Destroying as it goes the very dear
Attachment we cant bear to be without.
Beginning as a nidus in our left
Its tentacles in generations new
Have colonized destroying in its cleft
The very sustenance thats kept us true.
Its foreign genes implanted midst our own
Have strangled from our seed our progeny's.
Unnatural selection they have shown,
So goes the glue thats shaped our destinies.
Yes, Princeton hear me well the bell does toll,
That none of us this tumor can control.
(on learning that my daughter, Caitlin, was not to be among the Class of 06)
To Messrs. Koster, Geroulanos, Waterhouse, and Jean, "tu che d'un padre ridi al dolore", I offer instead the following apology....
God's will she flourishes! Thou should'st be brave.
Our Alma mater shall survive my lure,
Perambulating back behind the wave,
Restricting consciousness, of that be sure.
Is any clear philosophy about?
Not walking humbly with thy God again?
Can rounding out the class conceal the lout,
Eschewing common decency sheer brain?
The faculty's what's made her great a joy!
Our giving has enabled that 'tis true.
No, student contributions were too coy,
Reviving days of glory, wine, and brew.
Jehosophat! Dear Princeton, can it be
I'm sad you're almost rid the likes of me?
For those who still doubt whether or not the admission office is cancerous, did not understand the original sonnet, or, like Mr. Koster, desire some hints, try "The admission office needs to be canned and replaced by only Princeton alumni."
December 23, 2002
As Princeton is actively engaged in the search for a new dean of admissions due to the timely resignations of Messrs. Hargadon and LeMenager, I offer up the final of my trilogy of West College Sonnets.
Oh, Princeton, when shall be your time to learn
Not to a hand sustaining often bite
Lest Murphy 'pon your glory may sojourn
Yet entertaining mock'ry in delight.
Perhaps, dear Nassau, will humility
Unleash its tethered talons to dissect
Licentious loons of Lord-knows-what may be
Unrav'ling mysteries of disconnect.
Might possibly your portals be portrayed
Selecting out the ones more truly meant?
In terms of seeking knowledge are betrayed
Nomadic souls belonging in thy tent?
Why not try toting as your major test
Consuming love of learning in one's breast?